Time for me? Don’t make me laugh…

So I saw the psychiatrist today.  It went well, it felt good to talk to someone.  he reassured me there was nothing hugely wrong with me, I am under a lot of pressure and its only natural I am going a little bit barmy.   And there is nothing wrong with my morbid fear of children and my reproductive system.  Not that he will help me get rid of it.

The main issue is I need time for myself.  Somehow I need to be able to get ‘me’ time, to get a break every so often, but thats easier said than done.  I get back from the appointment, and mum has a go at me about Scott taking time off work, about how he doesn’t always do the things he says he will, about him in general really.   She seems to expect me to be able to snap my fingers and make him do whatever he needs to do to make himself feel better.  Yes, I KNOW he wont get paid if he doesn’t go to work, I KNOW he could lose his job if he takes too much time off, I KNOW he needs to be more positive, I KNOW these things and a million more things, and I am giving my god damn all to them, and yet ITS NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH.  I am trying so hard, I spend so much time trying to sort him out I don’t know who I am any more, and still, its not bloody good enough.   Mum can’t handle his low moods?  Well how the FUCK does she think I feel?!  I cannot force him to go to work on the days he is really bad, no matter what she says, I cannot force him to do anything, at the end of the day I can try and make him feel better and support him, but the end decision is his.  So on one hand I am told I am doing too much, that I need to think about myself more, and on the other it seems I am not doing enough.  I can’t win.

I’d try and get his mum to take him for a little while, but we all know how that would end.  Short of locking him up in a mental hospital how DO I get away for a while?  Last time I left him on his own, well, we all know what happened.

I can go round to AD’s and TNO’s house, I can go round to Dams, I can go round to Khlari’s, but after a few hours I will have to go back.  I would give anything for a week away somewhere, but its not going to happen.  And people wonder why I feel totally alone.

And now I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Its only taken 18 months, but finally…

I have my first psychiatric appointment tomorrow.  Its only taken 18 months to get seen, and its only thanks to Scott’s CPN I am being seen at all, but its finally happening.  maybe now I can get on with sorting my life out, and by extension, sorting Scott’s out.  Fingers crossed.

Had a bad night wednesday.  Scott had a very bad relapse, he was accusing me of things that I had never done, like he was convinced I wasn’t allowing him to see other people, I was keeping him to myself, when in reality I am trying to get him to go and meet people and get out of the house more.  Dam was once again a life saver, his suggestion that scott stroked his favourite cat to bring him out of the disassociative state worked like a charm.  Scott is now under review by his psychiatric support.

Mum is staying the weekend again.  Its nice to see her.  And she bought me a shed load of books to keep me occupied

The Kitty isn’t Dead (yet).

I have been a bit quiet recently, and for that I apologize.   I didn’t make it to the moot on Saturday, but to be honest I doubt having either me or Scott there right now would have been wonderful.

Scott has gotten it into his head that its too hard to try and fight his problems, that they will never go away, and its easier to feel sorry for himself and wallow in self pity (his words).  So for the past week he has been a nightmare.  His time has been spent shut away playing alternating between playing Warcraft and having panic attacks ( or doing both), and blaming himself for every single thing that goes slightly askew.    Life has been pretty unbearable, I have been trying to keep us both going, but when someone refuses to even try and help themselves its just not going to work.

Then, last night we were in bed, and I lost it.  I yelled at him, I screamed at him, and I told him just what I bloody well thought of him.  This is after he tells me its too hard to fight.  Bullshit, I was NOT having that.  So I told him.  I am tired of telling him things are ok when really they are not.  No more nice Kitty.  I told him straight that he either bucks himself up or thats it, I will leave until he decides to make the effort, because right now the effort of keeping us both sane is killing me, as Dam can probably attest to (sorry for crying all over you).  So thats it.  There will be no more whining “I am trying” when really he knows damn well he isn’t, no more shutting himself away.   He will never get any better if he doesn’t make the effort, and it will take effort, there are no miracle pills that will make his illness go away, they can only make him feel better to a degree.

Starting today there will be no try, there will be do (yes, I ripped of Yoda).  I will support him every step of the way, but I am not doing it for him, I can’t do it for him.  He needs to stop worrying about things that will probably never happen.  He panics every day before he goes to work because he is convinced someone is going to frame him for something and he will be sacked.  It never happens ofc, and from what I can tell when he gets there he is just fine.  Sure, there are people there who don’t like him and think he is an idiot, but for gods sake, there will always be people like that no matter where you are, no matter where you work.  There used to be a girl at the cinema I hated with a passion, and she hated me, but I still went to work,  and I didn’t let her stop me being who I wanted to be no matter how much she didn’t like that.

I am trying to teach him something someone else taught me.  It worked really well last night, but he had forgotten it by this morning.  Basically he creates a place in his head, somewhere he can go and spend time when things get too much, and there will only be him there, and all thats there is what he takes in with him.  And he will be safe there.  Apparently  his safe place is a pitch black cave with smooth walls and is cold, which I am sure says something about him, but if it works…

Can’t wait for his new therapy to start, I really can’t, then maybe it will get easier to help him.