Ah what the hell, Livejournal SUCKS.

You know I had forggotten about this place, until *ahem* recent events, and well, whats the point of letting a perfectly good blog go to waste?  I had moved over to LiveJournal, which is fine if the other people whose blogs you read are on LJ, but not so great if they are not.

So things have changed since I abandoned this journal.  My marriage came to an unfortunate end, but looking back through the old journal enteries to me it seems clear things were on the rocks a long time before it happened.  Things are about as ammicable as it can get with divorce, and those of you who have had dealings with Scott know from your own experience he is not a well chappie.

But you know what?  I’m happy.  Happier than I have been in, well,  a long time.  I have a wonderful partner, Graham, who I knew for 18 years before realising he was the right guy for me.  If he’d just told me he fancied me rotten at the age of 16!  We live on a goat farm a few miles from where we grew up, renting a cottage rather than working on it.  I’m a carer for my mum, and am hoping to start college soon.  Yeah, yeah, said that before, but things are really looking UP.

And friends!  I realised after thinking people only tollerated me because of Scott that my friends were just that, MY friends!  I have wonderful friends who accept me for who I am, and who are actually there for me.

I don’t play World of Warcraft as much as I used to, though I haven’t kicked the habbit completely.  But  I have other interests now.  Graham got me into collecting antiques.  I collect Carnival Glass, which I like because, well, its shiny, and you know how I am with shiny things.  That and the designs and colours are nice too.

Peacock and Urn by Northwood (Carnival Glass)

Of course Graham collects millitaria, which goes waaaay over my head, but I smile and nod whenever he talks about it and that seems to keep him happy.

Sadly, the hard copy of the  Doctor Who novel was lost in the break up, but maybe one day I will rewrite it.

Anyway, thats all for this entry.  Its good to be back!

Its only taken 18 months, but finally…

I have my first psychiatric appointment tomorrow.  Its only taken 18 months to get seen, and its only thanks to Scott’s CPN I am being seen at all, but its finally happening.  maybe now I can get on with sorting my life out, and by extension, sorting Scott’s out.  Fingers crossed.

Had a bad night wednesday.  Scott had a very bad relapse, he was accusing me of things that I had never done, like he was convinced I wasn’t allowing him to see other people, I was keeping him to myself, when in reality I am trying to get him to go and meet people and get out of the house more.  Dam was once again a life saver, his suggestion that scott stroked his favourite cat to bring him out of the disassociative state worked like a charm.  Scott is now under review by his psychiatric support.

Mum is staying the weekend again.  Its nice to see her.  And she bought me a shed load of books to keep me occupied

The Kitty isn’t Dead (yet).

I have been a bit quiet recently, and for that I apologize.   I didn’t make it to the moot on Saturday, but to be honest I doubt having either me or Scott there right now would have been wonderful.

Scott has gotten it into his head that its too hard to try and fight his problems, that they will never go away, and its easier to feel sorry for himself and wallow in self pity (his words).  So for the past week he has been a nightmare.  His time has been spent shut away playing alternating between playing Warcraft and having panic attacks ( or doing both), and blaming himself for every single thing that goes slightly askew.    Life has been pretty unbearable, I have been trying to keep us both going, but when someone refuses to even try and help themselves its just not going to work.

Then, last night we were in bed, and I lost it.  I yelled at him, I screamed at him, and I told him just what I bloody well thought of him.  This is after he tells me its too hard to fight.  Bullshit, I was NOT having that.  So I told him.  I am tired of telling him things are ok when really they are not.  No more nice Kitty.  I told him straight that he either bucks himself up or thats it, I will leave until he decides to make the effort, because right now the effort of keeping us both sane is killing me, as Dam can probably attest to (sorry for crying all over you).  So thats it.  There will be no more whining “I am trying” when really he knows damn well he isn’t, no more shutting himself away.   He will never get any better if he doesn’t make the effort, and it will take effort, there are no miracle pills that will make his illness go away, they can only make him feel better to a degree.

Starting today there will be no try, there will be do (yes, I ripped of Yoda).  I will support him every step of the way, but I am not doing it for him, I can’t do it for him.  He needs to stop worrying about things that will probably never happen.  He panics every day before he goes to work because he is convinced someone is going to frame him for something and he will be sacked.  It never happens ofc, and from what I can tell when he gets there he is just fine.  Sure, there are people there who don’t like him and think he is an idiot, but for gods sake, there will always be people like that no matter where you are, no matter where you work.  There used to be a girl at the cinema I hated with a passion, and she hated me, but I still went to work,  and I didn’t let her stop me being who I wanted to be no matter how much she didn’t like that.

I am trying to teach him something someone else taught me.  It worked really well last night, but he had forgotten it by this morning.  Basically he creates a place in his head, somewhere he can go and spend time when things get too much, and there will only be him there, and all thats there is what he takes in with him.  And he will be safe there.  Apparently  his safe place is a pitch black cave with smooth walls and is cold, which I am sure says something about him, but if it works…

Can’t wait for his new therapy to start, I really can’t, then maybe it will get easier to help him.