My first bad day since starting work…

Well, it had to happen I guess.  Today was pretty much unbearable, I am amazed I survived it to be honest.  Don’t ask me why, though I have a slight inkling its the really bad PMT I have been having since stopping the contraceptive injection last year thats done it.

This morning with Scott didn’t help things, but I was feeling fine when I got to work.  Then I started to feel a little… Stressed.  The past few days the sales have been slow, for everyone, it got to my break time at 2.30 and I had only had one sale.  Now normally this doesn’t bother me, I usually get more sales after 5pm-ish, but today I was just frazzled.  Then, just as my break ended, I was approached by my boss and told I needed to do some computer based training programs the rest of the team did last week, when I was off.  They wern’t hard, but they did take a few hours to do.  Not long after I finished I then wen’t on my lunch.  But the stupid tests had more or less thrown me off for the rest of the day, i just couldn’t get back into the swing of things, and only made two more sales the rest of the evening.  In fact, I had shitty luck even getting calls, I was sat for 10, 15 mins at a time waiting for a call, which was usually for another department, so all I did was transfer and wait again.  It was so bad in the end, I was craving a cigarette even though I only smoke when drunk normally.  Finished at 10, and walked down to the bus with my mate Pete, and get told the nice news that the people taken on a few weeks after us have PERMENANT contracts, as it was changed shortly after we started, and so they are assured of their jobs after christmas, whereas we arn’t.  That was it, meltdown.  Got home, burst into tears.

I have been in work a month now, so I think maybe I have done well getting this far without a bad day like this, and I am sure I will survive this one, but boy, it didn’t feel like it at the time.  I would go to the doctors about the bad pmt, but I don’t even know if they will listen to me.  There are other things along with it, but I am sure they will just tell me to live with it.  I dunno.

Time for me? Don’t make me laugh…

So I saw the psychiatrist today.  It went well, it felt good to talk to someone.  he reassured me there was nothing hugely wrong with me, I am under a lot of pressure and its only natural I am going a little bit barmy.   And there is nothing wrong with my morbid fear of children and my reproductive system.  Not that he will help me get rid of it.

The main issue is I need time for myself.  Somehow I need to be able to get ‘me’ time, to get a break every so often, but thats easier said than done.  I get back from the appointment, and mum has a go at me about Scott taking time off work, about how he doesn’t always do the things he says he will, about him in general really.   She seems to expect me to be able to snap my fingers and make him do whatever he needs to do to make himself feel better.  Yes, I KNOW he wont get paid if he doesn’t go to work, I KNOW he could lose his job if he takes too much time off, I KNOW he needs to be more positive, I KNOW these things and a million more things, and I am giving my god damn all to them, and yet ITS NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH.  I am trying so hard, I spend so much time trying to sort him out I don’t know who I am any more, and still, its not bloody good enough.   Mum can’t handle his low moods?  Well how the FUCK does she think I feel?!  I cannot force him to go to work on the days he is really bad, no matter what she says, I cannot force him to do anything, at the end of the day I can try and make him feel better and support him, but the end decision is his.  So on one hand I am told I am doing too much, that I need to think about myself more, and on the other it seems I am not doing enough.  I can’t win.

I’d try and get his mum to take him for a little while, but we all know how that would end.  Short of locking him up in a mental hospital how DO I get away for a while?  Last time I left him on his own, well, we all know what happened.

I can go round to AD’s and TNO’s house, I can go round to Dams, I can go round to Khlari’s, but after a few hours I will have to go back.  I would give anything for a week away somewhere, but its not going to happen.  And people wonder why I feel totally alone.

And now I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Its only taken 18 months, but finally…

I have my first psychiatric appointment tomorrow.  Its only taken 18 months to get seen, and its only thanks to Scott’s CPN I am being seen at all, but its finally happening.  maybe now I can get on with sorting my life out, and by extension, sorting Scott’s out.  Fingers crossed.

Had a bad night wednesday.  Scott had a very bad relapse, he was accusing me of things that I had never done, like he was convinced I wasn’t allowing him to see other people, I was keeping him to myself, when in reality I am trying to get him to go and meet people and get out of the house more.  Dam was once again a life saver, his suggestion that scott stroked his favourite cat to bring him out of the disassociative state worked like a charm.  Scott is now under review by his psychiatric support.

Mum is staying the weekend again.  Its nice to see her.  And she bought me a shed load of books to keep me occupied